Some years ago, I had a leak inside my roof
But they didn't patch the plaster, swear to Dawkins it's the truth
A crack it started growing, getting bigger every day
And so I thought I'd better get my bed moved out the way
I pushed it where I could but there was only so much space
With any luck I'll dodge the ruination of my face

And so we'd take some pictures as the crack it grew and grew
We'd send 'em to the landlord sayin', “You know just what to do”
The landlord he'd procrastinate on getting someone by
To make the fixes needed to our fractured piece of sky
How long before we'd lose this artex canopy of ours
And I could lay in bed at night, look up, and see the stars?

Then I woke up one morning, with confusion all around
I sat up and I asked myself, “Hey! What's that ripping sound?”
Before I knew the answer, there was plaster everywhere
The roof was on my pillow, on my floor, and in my hair
I got up, yelled, and cursed, and found that all that I could say
Was, “Bloody hell, I only hoovered up this bedroom yesterday!”

My landlord nearly gave me
A fractured skull alarm clock
My ceiling tried to kill me
It was a kind of a, sort of a, hell of a, bit of a shock

And so I got the dustpan, brush, the hoover, and the broom
And I began to sweeping up the carnage in my room
I thought myself so lucky that I didn't wake up dead
How that wacky, cracky ceiling could have squashed my pretty head
The landlord's keen to fix it up now, colour me surprised
And all it took was nearly being cranially pulverised


Woke up this morning
I was so lucky that I did
Woke up this morning
So god damn lucky that I did
Because my bedroom ceiling
It tried to crushify my lid

Written by Intermittent Explosive Disorder
© Copyright 2017