Darling, may I have a word with you?
And, promise me that you won't get annoyed
The spark has gone, I think you know it's true
It's a problem that we cannot now avoid

Stagnation could spell our love's tragic end
But I have a bold idea, what do you say?
One thing that all my girlfriends recommend
Let's try out some “Fifty Shades of Grey”

You could tie me up and whip me till I'm begging you not to
You can smack me, you can whack me till my arse goes brilliant blue
You could hang me from the ceiling, you can bolt me to a chair
You could manacle me to the fridge and then forget I'm there
It might seem kind of silly but to you this is my plea
Could you dare indulge me in my deepest, darkest, greyest fantasy?

Sweetheart, I support your worthy schemes
To banish our frequent midnight yawns
I know you can fulfil my wildest dreams
But you've picked up some badly written porn

It's just fan fiction of the poorest grade
And “Twilight”'s Edward Cullen did inspire
E L James' fortune has been made
Adding wank scenes to the work of Stephanie Meyer

We did that “Princess Leia” thing you asked me to despite
The uncomfortable chafing and the third-degree frostbite
So how about this evening we try one of my ideas?
'Cause frankly, love, I thought that “Doctor Who” thing was a bit too weird

Some folk may say it's shocking, and I know some think it wild
But the bloody thing reads like it had been written by a child
An insult to all BDSM couples, for it holds
That such loving relationships are just abusive and controlled
On top of that it really doesn't do a thing for me
'Cause what you've got here's a third-rate, third-hand teenage girl's vampire wank fantasy

Stephanie Meyer had fantasised about a teenage boy
Then she wrote herself as Bella, creating Edward as her toy
E L James then came and renamed Edward into Chris
And made Bella Anastasia surrogate for her right wrist

So, when you're in Ann Summers buying handcuffs, or a whip
Have a think about those fantasies and please remember this
Anything you try someone else thought it before you
Use your own imagination and don't read this utter poo
Have a word with your partner 'cause the sex is so much better
When you fill a night of utter filth with ideas you forged together

Written by Intermittent Explosive Disorder
© Copyright 2013