We figured it was about time for us to declare our allegiances, and it’s only fair to warn you that this revelation may be more than a little shocking. We make no apologies … there is nothing to apologise for …

There’s nothing quite like a typical British summer, is there? Clutching a blanket full of picnic as you sprint from sunny beach to the drizzle-soaked misery of a long-deserted amusement arcade’s decrepit entrance porch.

There are many fantastic bed-time stories to tell your children of heroes on epic quests, fighting vicious foes at every turn, and doing great deeds with honour and bravery. This is not one of them. This might cost you a decade in therapy.

Read all about it! Learn the shocking true story behind one of the most despicable rogues ever to drag his muddy feet across the carpet of Fleet Street – and you won’t even have to collect tokens from the The Daily Hate (or The Hate On Sunday)!

They say a wedding day is the happiest of your life; the start of a new journey as the two of you head down life’s road, into the sunset, hand in hand … but this is country, so the road is long, the journey is pain, and your hand is reaching for the nearest gun.